For some of you, this post will come as a surprise. For my closest friends, you already know. Some of my readers may have mixed feelings and others may not care at all. Regardless, my blog is who I am and what I am going to share with you is a newly discovered part of that.
Almost two months ago, someone on social media caught my eye. If you follow my blog you might have noticed I subtly mention her. I haven’t been hiding it. I just needed time to figure things out for myself. I am *still* figuring things out. You are about to see why.
I found her on social media. I watched her interact with mutual friends. She seemed energetic, positive, friendly, and intelligent. To my delight, she identified as dominant. But she also identified as unavailable. So, with a deep sigh, I moved on. Except, something about her kept catching my attention.
Finally, she commented on a post I made. SCORE! The universe gave me an excuse to shyly slide up to her and say hello. So I did. It started as intelligent and friendly conversations and quickly became fun and flirtatious. Sparks flew and buttons were pushed. Zing, zing baby!
Then life, being the dick that it is sometimes, dropped a bomb on me; a rather large and complicated bomb.
She disclosed she is neither single nor monogamous. She was and has always been upfront about it. But I didn’t know enough about her to know it. I am monogamous. I can’t count the times I have waved my fists in the air angrily and said, “I don’t share!” And to make matters even worse, it hadn’t been that long since I found out my ex had cheated on me. Not to mention we are worlds apart.
If you are a close friend you became a victim to my flailing about, tantrums and whining. I went through several stages. I expressed outrage and disappointment that life can be so unfair. I dug my heels in about monogamy and how it could never work between us. I outlined everything about what I thought her life looked like and how that conflicted with my views of how a relationship should look. I made a lot of blind assumptions. Finally, I decided to find to give it a try and find out the truth. If you aren’t close to me this is how it looked:
“We can’t do this, I’m sorry”.
“No, no, no wait don’t go!”
“This will only ever be friendship.”
“Wait, no, I like you!”
“Seriously, we can’t do this”.
“No, please don’t go”
“It will never work I tell you!”
“Okay, but how does that look?”
I’m just not going to talk to her.
Oh, she’s online!
Nope, don’t message her.
But, I like talking to her!
Rinse and repeat. Honestly, it is a wonder she has any hair left because of me.
Eventually, after some deep soul searching and a lot of talking to friends who could relate to my situation, I decided to start asking her some extremely difficult questions and see what happened. We promised each other complete honesty and full transparency at all times to help me figure things out.
Am I still monogamous? Yes.
Do I want her to change for me? No, absolutely not.
Am I trying to change who I am for her? No. I am me. She accepts that.
Have I discovered things are not always what you think? Yes
Have I discovered new things about myself in the process? Absolutely
Do I know if it will work out in real-time when we meet? No, there are no guarantees in life.
Is the journey worth the risk that it doesn’t work out? Yes, absolutely
There is; of course, uncertainty. Neither of us knows if it will work out, how it will look for certain, or when we can even make it happen. We may meet one day and have our version of a happy Femdomme story. We may not and end up as just friends. What we do know for certain; though, is we enjoy each other very much. And really, isn’t that what matters the most.
There is so much more I want to share with you. But as they say, this is just the beginning.