A couple of weeks ago I imposed chastity of sorts on myself. In the past, when a relationship has failed or I needed relief from my mind, I ran back to K for play. She is a vanilla Domme. We dated for two years. It has been a mutual FWB agreement for many years. She breaks up with someone, she comes to me. I break up with someone, I go to her. See the pattern?
I am an extremely passionate and sexual person. One of my habits is taking ALL THE FEELS and ALL THE THOUGHTS and shutting my mind down through play. I wrote an erotica writing once along these lines I titled “Hurt Me Please” (it’s not on this blog) in which I begged her for impact play just to shut my mind down. (Also because it’s hot!). The issue is nothing is accomplished when I do this. And not only am I not growing when I do that, but it’s not fair to K. So when she offered a few weeks back, I declined explaining how I felt and terminating the FWB officially.
Since then I haven’t even allowed myself to masturbate. (which you people don’t make easy! *squirms*). Let me be clear that despite that my mind always seems scattered and messy thoughts come out in my writing, I am very happy. Extremely sexually frustrated yes. Happy though. I am in a very good place in my life. I took a long time away and fixed me because I wasn’t happy with myself. But as you can see from my post on dealing with shame about my kinks here that I still have a few things I am working out.
I don’t know how long this is going to take. (I REALLY HOPE IT GOES QUICKLY! I COULD REALLY USE AN ORGASM!!!). However, until I work through these things and feel comfortable with myself I will not allow myself to cum through any means. Maybe it seems silly. I don’t know. But it has been helping me to clear my mind and become more focused.