“You like that, don’t you?”
Those few simple, harmless words are a sharp excruciating blow to the chest. They tear at my skin. I fight and cower helplessly; screaming and crying in agony curled into a corner of my mind. I shut down. Avoid the question. Pretend I didn’t hear it; become paralyzed by the embarrassment, fear, and shame behind it.
“…I could tell that you were carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders” –Will and Grace
I am tired. I am completely exhausted. I have locked myself up, hidden so deep inside a cold dark pit that I don’t know how to escape. I want too. I need too. I stretch my arm up, grasp hold of the edge, dig my nails in the cracks until my fingers are bleeding, pull with all my strength, and slip back down into the abyss. I am trapped in the depths of my mind. And I don’t want to be here anymore!
There are some influential factors that contribute to my struggle. I have dealt with and overcome each of the factors. However, as strong as I am, they will always be a part of me.
- I am a rape survivor. I don’t think I have ever put that out on the internet before now. I have told only a few close friends. My stepfather was a violent and twisted alcoholic fuck. I lived in fear and shame, terrorized, every day for five years of my childhood by him. I refused to let it break me. I broke free. I rebuilt myself. Notice I said I am a rape survivor, not that I am a rape victim.
- Sex is nasty. It is a means to reproduce and is only shared between a husband and wife. You never talked about sex. That is the foundation of ideals I was raised. The little knowledge I had of sex for a very long time was a one hour class in high school on preventing pregnancy. (though I found it hilarious to slingshot a condom across the room which resulted in detention)
- I was raised in a racist, sexist, closed-minded town by a family that held the same beliefs as the town. There were zero African American people in the town at the time, literally. When I first came out as a lesbian, I found my vehicle vandalized. Being different in any way was simply forbidden.
This conflict has negatively impacted my relationships. Fighting it is no longer an option anymore. I am going to push my boundaries like never before. At first, it may be things so minuscule you may not notice. Other times, you will see me shove myself over the edge screaming. If you want to follow my journey, please do. Give shout outs of encouragement, scolding for holding back, or whatever works for you. But in the end this is my battle. I am determined to come out on the other side.